I may or may not have eaten the rest of your birthday cake last night after getting blazed and watching harry potter.
i think you have the wrong number
so then it wasn't your birthday cake. k, cool.
i said i was sorry for his girlfriend's cancer diagnosis and he said "easy come, easy go" and tried to fuck me
Still can't decide which I'm more disappointed about: the blow job I gave him or the donuts I ate after.
I'm stranded in the Hampton area. Looks like I'm going to have to take one for the team and pass out by this applebees.
He told me "it wants a kiss" WHY HAS THIS HAPPENED WITH 2 DIFFERENT PEOPLE.
It's like your nipple is comforting my nipple.
The squirrels are partying on my roof again. Now they're just rubbing it in that I'm home alone on a Saturday night and they're having orgies.
i came outside and he was eating her out on my lawn. i refuse to pick up the dog shit in my yard so i hope he chose the spot wisely
I kept having to give myself encouraging advice like, "you know how a path works"
So. Somehow managed to fuck my contacts out of my eyes. Didn't know that was even possible.
Do not, I repeat, DO NOT uncuff him no matter how much he begs. He knows what he did.
Wanna meet at the diner for breakfast? all I've eaten in the past 24 hours is glitter and penis. starvingg.
Well it might’ve been because you asked to play What Makes You Beautiful at the club
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
So I took a screenshot of my boarding pass and the TSA agent somehow swiped it to the next photo. Yep...TSA saw my dick before I even went through the body scanner.
Randomize
