Bea Arthur died yesterday
You shut your stupid mouth
Betty White is next, I just know it.
Betty White will never die! She's like Dick Clark. Rue McCalahan is next.
WHY DID I DRINK ALL THE INGREDIENTS FOR VOMIT?!
It's not called being bisexual its called making out with anyone that has a mouth
he left me a note this morning. it said "thank you for letting me touch you"
oh dont worry, my liver will give out way before i get skin cancer
I'm drinking beergaritas with a dog who is high and a baby
your completely serious
I'm on my "fiiiiirrrst" glass of wine- the quotes mean it's the last of the bottle- so I really need you to pick up your phone so we can talk about this
We are not on the "bring me breakfast" level. He's bringing me penis if I ask for breakfast too I'll just sound greedy
next time we drink: battle shots.
battle shots or battle shits? if its the first, explain. if its the second I think I figured it out.
He returned my car yesterday. Found a duffel bag with beef jerky, condoms, and a handgun this morning. Slightly concerned
I'm not taking advise from someone who responded to the pickup line "I have a penis"
We all just did coke and we're coloring so if you're sober its pointless for you to come over here
some people popped out of a houseboat and asked us to their party. their houseboat IS A WEEDBOAT. it is full of weed they grow weed. EVERYWHERE.
How are you not embarrassed to know me. I'm a mess right now. I'm a walking, talking tornado of embarrassment
Trying not to ruin Mother's Day with the enormous hickey on my neck. Nice.
Randomize
