You just made me feel so damn special
i just put a booger in my mom's hair and i just needed to tell someone.
i just went through and liked all 1,239 of her pictures instead of writing my english paper. don't tell her, i want her to be surprised
Let's review the facts-we're bored, we have a ton of beer, and we live 5 minutes from the zoo. This equation is easily solvable
And on that day, Satan said; "Let there be the friend zone and let us get fucking high." while Jesus silently cried in the background.
Just watched a drunk girl hand her valet ticket to a cop and walk away.
The best, and by the best I mean the worst, was the 7 month along pregnant chick in the skin tight body suit.
My dick was almost in plain McDonald's sight
My now ex hook up buddy realized I was hooking up with others when she saw my spotify sex playlist making appearances on fb. fml
There's an owl outside. I feel like he's hooing directly at me.
On a serious note, don't let me forget to tell you about firecracker baseball. I'm glad I have my fingers. I had to count them.
How weird is it that 2 people I've had sex with have the same birthday and they don't even know each other
How are you feeling today?
Like Satan handed me a grenade and ass sandwich.
For one week of my life every time I pull my cock out I want the Jurassic Park theme music to start playing.
How do I tell my boss I have slutty fantasies about him, me and his conference room table?
Randomize
