You never realize how many sex toys you have until you have to strategically hide them while moving out of your dorm.
Just tried to chase Captain Morgan with water...this whole drinking alone business is getting harder to do.
I'd be surprised if he had a problem with boundaries after helicoptering his penis in front of you
She was standing in the road flagging traffic in a tshirt and boxers. I didn't stop.
All she wanted was a cigarette
Two word: claymation porn. Think about it.
I don't think I can ever express my appreciation for the things you text me.
Out of desperation, I used the leftover sauce from my goat masala as a mixer for vodka shots.
Youre the drunk baby that everyone wants to take care of.
Boss out of town. Had 2 beers for lunch, a long walk and a bowl...and then in he comes. Blamed obvious intoxication on my pain meds. Back at the bar. This is one of those bad judgement days.
And then she said "wanna make a vine of me twerking on the wall?"
we managed to melt a few different forms of plastic into the cannibutter....
I blew past the Governor's motorcade going twice the speed limit and DIDN'T get a ticket. God wants me to get laid.
Pretty sure I love my nipple piercing more than I'll love my children someday
I DONT KNOW HOW I'M NOT DEAD, JESUS CHRIST ON A DOUBLE DECKER FUCKING KEANU REEVES BUS
Why is there a mildly painful bruise on my back?
You slipped off the sink last night.
Why was I on the sink......?
;)
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
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