so i woke up with ketchup and a sticky boob on my face...this is a new low
Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
i was so high it looked like the chipmunks movements were coordinated to that lady gaga song
I'm sorry about your car but on a brighter note I did wake up in my dorm. That's something right?
Fuck you.
I don't know. I woke up in the back of a cab in a drive thru line at whataburger with police lights flashing and my friend yelling" you didn't have to sell us out phil!" to the cab driver.
You kept saying,"there's a seahorse in my stomach, who's trying escape". This was after the curtains attacked you.
Nothing gets you judged faster than having cum in your hair at the gas station.
five cans of playdoh and a game of guess whose penis ...
I'll just be sleeping in this laundry room. Come get me at bar close.
I just don't fit in here. The other wives are ten years older and have kids!
Well, you chose trophy wife of a 35 year old over college. Sit in your suburban soup and stew.
no it was not a "magical experience". After we dropped, he just sat there staring at my laptop going "apple makes beautiful things".
I think were only still together so we can make each other miserable
I barely trust you with my tinder, why would I let you take the staples out of my head?!
I may be a complete scumbag but even im not willing to spend a grand and sit on a plane for 24 hours just for shrooms and a blowjob
i think you might have coined the term "slightly awkward pyromania"
Randomize
