I'm totally gay for Miss Californiaaaaaa
oh sweet, sweet irony
The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
Dude, its flawless. what could go wrong?
Jail. That could go wrong.
I asked if he wants to help me spring forward at 2am on Sunday. He seems down.
I went commando last night, then accidentally flashed a police van...They acknowledged it.
Used my phone to vibrate 'eye of the tiger'. It's like Rocky is punching my nuts, but gently.
I'm such a good drunk match marker. You single, you single... Drunk friend meet single boy. BOOM illegitimate baby made!
Just saw some lesbians get in a fistfight in an Arby's parking lot. It's good to be home.
If fixing it is ignoring it, and getting naked. Then yes we fixed it.
First date was awkward. I think I just saw someone die.
My throw up tasted like pumpkin, fall is right around the corner.
I am coming home with the worst sun burn of my life, two unused condoms, and an unworn slutty dress. Worst. Bachelorette. Party. Ever.
Thank you for dog sitting, there is $60 on my desk to be spent on DRUGS AND/OR GAS ONLY not that food stuff people crave.
andy told me i got kicked out of the bar and was so drunk i forgot and got back in line. the bouncer was zero impressed
It was only a blow job in his car. It's the same as giving a friend a back rub.
Randomize
