Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
she asked me if I wanted a handjob on the haunted mansion ride at Disney. was I suposed to say no?
When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
I just heard a woman call her child a butt face. Repeatedly. He's crying now. I love walmart.
Literally just spent 45 minutes converting my paintball gun to shoot condoms....
Kayla got stiches in her face. Rode in an ambulance shotgun. Tried to steal a baby, thought it was mine
Counseling BFF to break up with her BF. We will get that 3-way
fact: I now appreciate my drunken winter self even more. I just found $20 in my winter coat with a note that says keep yourself warm next winter. I am awesome.
My pupils are so HUGE you can see into my soul from 2 miles away
Pretty sure my body is in shock, I shouldn't feel this ok after last nite.
I just threw up in my front yard because my roommate was in the bathroom. Fuck New Years Day.
I'M WORRY THAT MY VAGINA WILL NEVER KNOW THE TOUCH OF A MAN AND YOU ARE MAKING A MIXTAPE
moral of my life: don't tell a guy you want to have sex with him. he'll get back together with his ex.
It's not even a normal fucking affair I've found myself in. It's a fucking bdsm clusterfuck.
This bitch goes out driving during the nor'easter to get her ass eaten.. that’s dedication
Randomize
