Bike broken, reschedule party till thursday:(
Best walk of shame ever - Brown Hennesy shirt, bright blue overly large basketball shorts, stilettos from night before - ended up buying a ton of 40's and a 30 pack of coors.
Where are you?
A place I should not be.
I am going to invent a chocolate mix for sperm.
I'm in a trailer park. But I'm not scared. The virgin always lives.
i had to wake up at 4 am to do my laundry because I was afraid if I saw people in the laundry room they would judge me by the amount of clothes I had covered in vomit from syllabus week
im honestly just eating salsa and looking at his penis
Apparently you can legally be topless in Boulder, CO. Get on it.
I literally just wielded a katana to save a child's life. What did you do today?
Are they engaged or just dating? Girlfriends come and go but the memory of sex at the pool last forever.
I'm so in the Halloween spirit, I zombified my all of my nudes on my phone. Tell me this isn't creative.
There's a woman at the bar holding a baby with one arm and doing shots of GM with the other. The baby is crying. I have lost faith in humanity.
Are you sexting with minion stickers right now?
NO. NONE OF THAT. SHAME ON YOU.
He finished and he wasn't even totally hard. He actually came without a boner.
HOW IS THAT EVEN POSSIBLE.
It was the scariest thing ever having a flame that close to my balls...
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