I told my new friends about my possible new chin. They said I should get my nose done first. Please tell me I'm pretty or something.
I just got a standing ovation when i made it to work on New Years Day. good thing?
Never underestimate the healing power of vomiting and a bath.
He ripped off his shirt and tried to give me CPR. That damn bong.
Just received a visit from the Ghost of Bad Decisions Past. Kind of weird 90% of the flashbacks happened in the same sixteen month span, the rest happened at Taco Bell.
she never specifically said NOT to fuck her boyfriend so technically we can still be best friends
I was tackling you out of excitement
Yeah thank goodness the stripper pole was there to break my fall.
her dad gauges his nipple piercings.
We're having chugging races with long island ice tea, I won. To often
Honestly I will go to church for him, I will even try to quit smoking for him. But his dick is not worth losing alcohol. He sure as fuck isn't taking away our wine nights.
Hey, don't think you remember me but we met last night. I'm conducting a survey this morning its only one question: Have you seen Rob since 1am?
The drunk people on this bus are singing Journey songs. This is the whitest thing I've ever experienced
So this is completely apropos of nothing, but I have a feeling that a friend of mine might be a good match for you. Can I set you two up on a date? Oh, and it seems that we live a block away from each other and aren't having sexy times. This is ridiculous. By the way, there's a chance that I might be a tad drunk. Still though, there's a very *good* chance that you and Mr. X would get along.
I don't remember much, but I remember he called me the dick whisperer, so it must not have been all bad.
I do not recommend playing football on LSD like at all
Randomize
