She punched me in the face after i pulled it out and grabbed my cell phone. Ill be the one hiding in the bushes with one shoe.
Update, blind date is cute and fun.
Scratch that, blind date just threw up.
Masturbating after my cheeseburger. It's unavoidable.
my ass hurt today after the party last night. I wnt to the doctors and they found a coin in a ziplock bag with a note from you. WHAT THE FUCK DID U DO TO ME???
my fart just smelled so bad i acutally gagged
just because you are now my girlfriend does not mean you can text me nasty shit
you made a powerpoint titled 'things i've drank tonight' and emailed it to me.
Really?!? Does he think blocking me on FACEBOOK means that he doesn't have a kid with me?!
On a scale of 1-10 how seriously are we considering being sugar babies?
I'm about a 7.95
I just ordered a "football meatlong" from subway
I hear jingle bells and I can't tell if it's bc I'm feeling festive or just REALLY high
He flipped me around so that we could have sex and both watch Die Hard... I think I found my sole mate. Merry Christmas to me!!🎄
I've had more sex since the twins moved in than I'd had in the previous four years. They are the best wingman ever.
Seeing my ex post concert Snapchat videos as an Instagram really reinforces that I made the right choice...
Well it was okay until he pinned my arms over my head and I found the loaded pistol tucked behind the bed... THIS IS WHY WE DON'T FUCK BOYS IN MONTANA ANYMORE
I love how we can bond over the fact that we're the only ones who think the guy I drunk hooked up with looks like Voldemort
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