my roommates friend slept in my bed when i was out of town..she ran out screaming cause she saw my VCR
Dude if I didn't piss myself last night I dont think I would have woke up in time for work.
Life is so much better when you know you're gonna get laid soon.
Stoned ambition #8. Must learn sign language.
In less than 3 minutes we had 3 security guards running after us
Me and my vagina aren't speaking at the moment.
An there's a little girl across the bar eating Mac n cheese... #1 she won't stop looking at me. Boo bitch I'm drinking alone. #2 I'm about to tackle her ass for that Mac n cheese.
The only reason we got away with streaking last time was cuz we had those miner hats
It's Friday afternoon and I'm drunk. This is how I cope.
TO ALL WHO WERE IN MY HOUSE LAST NIGHT: WHOEVER STOLE MY BONG AND PUT IT ON THE ROOF WILL BE PAYING MY HOSPITAL BILL FROM LAST NIGHT.. AND BUYING ME A NEW, SWEETER BONG.
He told me to take off work and bring a bathing suit. If this doesn't involve six flags hurricane harbor or sex in a hotel pool I'm going to be disappointed.
My girlfriend is talking to my ex-boyfriend at the bar right now. I REPEAT, GIRLFRIEND IS TALKING TO EX BOYFRIEND RIGHT NOW. GET ME THE FUCK OUT OF THIS PLAACE
My mom just asked if I've gotten any girls pregnant how is your day going
I am pants-free in the living room. This is liberating.
Hangover and judgement, the breakfast of champions.
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