I checked for jungle juice on Weight Watchers. they didn't have it.
Ended up passed out drunk in the neighbors lawn, still in costume. Neighbors thought I was a lawn decoration. Ten points for best Halloween ever.
vodka bottle broke. scooping it out of the plastic tub with a shot glass into a sprite bottle using a ziplock bag as a funnel and straining the glass out with paper towels. good thursday night?
Buying a large dominoes pizza for a wasted 3 mile walk is the best bad idea ever. My mouth is on fire, probably broke my hand, and i may or may not have eaten street pizza.
How did you break your hand eating pizza?
Boxes are hard to see rocks through.
I am not exagerating when I say the thought "screw you future me" actually just went through my head
I don't get hangovers. Except once. And there is a massively epic story behind that, involving so much alcohol I should have died, and 13 raw hotdogs.
C'mon pople!!! THursday afternoon isnot gonna drinkin itself!!!
I'm surprised I don't have a permanent face imprint between my boobs.
I'm getting high with a 50 year old car wash guy. Enough said.
Believe me honey Imma fuck the discount out of at least one plastic surgeon in my life
This weekend I was almost blinded by a cumshot to the eye, so happy Labor Day I guess
How have you never felt a dick as hard as mine?
Maybe life is about finding the person you DO want to cuddle with after they rail you like a porn star
avocado toast wont fix the fact you did a bunch of blow you fucking hipster
Tonight is an "I'm lonely and single so I'm going to curl up in a warm, melatonin and vodka enriched ball in the corner of my bed with a cat." kind of night.
Randomize
