At this point, I would light birthday candles in my vagina for free drinks
I believe that I finger-banged my way to the top of the corporate ladder.
my Prof for my bio lab has his lab coat collar popped. it's 8 am and im too hungover for this guy
He says he's "masters drunk." And if that's anything like "kentucky derby drunk" I know enough to not go over there.
I will also be strapping forties to the puppies.
I hope you realize, I'm counting on you as my wingman next semester. It's your turn to advertise another man's penis. I did my tour all freshman year.
Wtf. I just got invited to a threeway bj session in the bathroom at boiler. Lmao
Duuuude - Drag Queen Bingo wasn't supposed to end like thissss
I am wearing two different shoes and just swallowed my gum. Wake the fuck up and bang the bartender already.
You said my dick was impressive. You thank someone when they say that. My momma raised a gentleman.
Dude, do you think he'd be pissed if he found out that I always reference him as my starter husband?
It all started with a game of naked twister.
I asked him if we could have sex sometime and he sent me a three page long text about his feelings for me. that's the only possible situation I've ever run into where a "k" response would have been more appropriate.
Drunk me says 72 hours of Mexican Viagra and room service.Sober me says we stopped being lovers for a reason after the last lost weekend.
You will be reminded everyday when you witness my majestic mustache.
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