Just got back from doctors appt. He lied. It wasn't a pimple on his dick.
I wasn't sure if "you're even prettier in the dark" was a compliment. Hmm.
morning after pill = breakfast in bed
Drunk off five beers on a Tuesday. I'm not sure which part of that statement is more sad
If i ever have a kid with an outie i'm giving it up for adoption
Just got home and found him passed out with his ass stuck in a Rubbermaid garbage can. He must have been like that for a few hours
i'm in that phase where i'll swallow anything except food
I'd like to say yes, but I nearly lost my shit when I assumed there was no back to my house. I am not strong enough for hallucinations.
The closest thing to a sext that you will ever receive from me is a picture of pepperonis on Greg's asscheeks, clenching.
I pulled up iMessage on my computer and I'm pretty sure two people in my class saw that dick pic you sent. Sorry!
Things my liver can't take in one weekend. Surprise nights off at work and male strippers. Woke up jaundiced.
quick, give me some iron man trivia, i'm going to make this girl regret quoting tony stark in her tinder bio
Bored of what? I stayed up all night researching sex toys because I'm excited to do things with you that I haven't done in 29 years of having a body.
Fuck you. Leave my nipples out of this. THEY DID NOTHING TO YOU
I just found a baklava I forgot I got last night so we can call it a day
Randomize
