good news, i'm not pregnant. bad news, i had sex with ***** last night and i think i'd rather be pregnant
There's a Cowboys game and a Rangers game on at the same time...talk about Sophie's choice
i was so drunk that i ate a carrot out of her guiena pig's cage and thought it was normal
It's going to be great. They guy at the store said 3 shots and you won't be able to feel your face or stop smiling.
Theres a truck parked on the front yard and i just want to take this opportunity to tell you now that it is not my fault.
I literally recorded a toilet flushing to make it his ringtone to remind me what a piece of shit he is
Well, I just did coke with a drag queen in a bathroom so that's the direction this night is taking
I feel that my cleavage set an unattainably high bar for 2013.
The last thing I remember is singing hotel California with a hobo and asking every bald man I saw if I could touch his head.
ARTHUR IS ON FUCKING NETFLIX THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'm sorry I keep drunk texting your boyfriend sports updates.
That's okay. He needs friends too.
ITS THE CIIIIIIRCLE OF SLUUUUUUUTS
We ran out of toilet paper so Ive been using coffee filters
it was weird going down on him. His picture of Jesus was staring at me the entire time...
I turn 40 next week. I deserve to celebrate the end of my 30’s with a 21 year old dick
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