I'm pretty sure my roommate has taken plan B more times than i've had sex. Not sure how that makes me feel.
So I just bought underwear that says "I'm taken." Just know that when I cheat on my bf with you, that's what I'm wearing
I've eaten cheese dip for three consecutive meals. I think I need to branch out.
Well, I wanted to be you for Halloween but I couldn't fit seven dicks in my mouth.
She set fire to my carpet trying to power-dry puke covered cigs with Josh's blowtorch. How she found it in the garage is beyond me but if you bring her with you again I'll shoot you myself.
they drunkenly created an obstacle course for the poor hamster and its ball.
Things I have learned since the start of my first college spring break: do not fart in an enclosed space (such as a shower stall) when hungover. You will throw up. More lessons to follow as week continues.
She got turned on by my fanny pack full of condoms. I can't believe you said it was a bad idea to wear it to the party.
Imagine Captain Hook, but in penis form and sometimes shy.
Turns out the guy I peed on gave me a ride back to my dorm this morning.
You are a god.
I think there's an ice cream truck out back, but there's no way I can get pants on in time to catch it
Do you congratulate someone for having bigger tits, or is that a no no?
The economy isn’t reopen until I can get drunk and motorboat fake tits at lunch on a Wednesday
Did you ask Harvard boi?
Apparently he likes someone who is into being smart and a supporter of human rights ugh what a skank
About that photo of the cake you just sent. You do realize it’s on a glass table, right? We can all see your reflection in it, and you’re very obviously naked.
Randomize
