I dreamt Michael Jackson dropped his pants in front of me and I had to ignore it.
haha omg you stole $185 from a passed out drunk indian on your porch and called the ambulance??
savin' lives aint cheap
After the VIP Latina experience at the strip club last night, I am rooting for Mexico in this years World Cup.
i dont understand blimps. what would happen if they collided would they just bounce off or fall to the ground.
dude how high are you right now?
do you think jeeves would know? you do it. ask jeeves.
We snorted a line of cocaine and xanax, and then played a game of Backgammon. It was surprisingly therapeutic.
Yeah her jello shots are the next closest thing to a lethal injection. That potent.
Thank you, I really appreciate that. I know I couldn't participate in class tonight and I hope that doesn't affect my grade too much. So please let me know of any extra credit opportunities such as fellatio
Just got your message from Saturday. Shove all the kittens down your pants? Really?
I was emotionally compromised.
Let me begin to explain the rest of last night by beginning with saying that out if necessity I took a pair of your underwear
How did you not realize the handbrakes were stuck?
I thought I was just out of shape.
Idk I'm drinking Sam Adams and wearing new balances so I'm basically a dad
I have tasted many bathrooms
i smell like vinegar and tequila i can feel the old people behind me judging
highlight of my day: hitchhiking a ride with random locals. tried to make conversation, asked what they do. driver says "you clearly don't recognize me." turns out i have had sex with him and forgot.
You are officially qualified to graduate from college.
I found my parents stash of sex toys. You know my green one? My mom has it...in purple. I HAVE THE SAME VIBRATOR AS MY MOTHER
Randomize
