If he eats mayonnaise, he's not getting laid. End of story.
At what point did we agree that playing bocchi ball on the way to the liquor store was a good idea?
I've slowly been stuffing french fries down his pants. I'm at 31 and he hasn't even noticed.
I'm so bored right now i'm literally Googleing all the possible ways to get high with household items as my mom is sitting in front of me..
What's the politically correct way of saying you've made someone your bitch?
Fried chicken is a must. Do strippers eat fried chicken or should I plan on something else?
The cop was yelling at you as you layed on the sidewalk and you wouldn't take him seriously cause you thought it was some dude in a cop costume.
We thought it was a good idea to send a picture to our HS science teacher where she's smoking a joint and I'm holding a monkey, and he invited us to lunch. NEW LEVEL UNLOCKED.
I can't. I'm not drunk enough for this information.
He just pulled a Spanish chick using google translate!!!! We are at the bar and she speaks zero English. Hes a fucking magician!!!!!!
I just wanna be able to fart and do my homework but he won't leave
That is romantic
Well sometimes you just gotta put your dicks and pizzas together to show you care
I don't know how Dave is alive, I feel like he's been drinking since I met him.
Life should not be this hard with a dick this big.
How do you feel about a threesome?
Will you be there?
I'm the one asking!
We left Waffle House and he took off running five miles down the road saying we were "training for the Olympics." And I mean, I couldn't leave him out there like that...
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