You work out of a Hotel?
I think I have a pornographic memory.
Don't you mean photographic?
No.
He made me pinky-promise that he gave me an orgasm.
We were just about to get down to business and shes like oh the olympics! and jumped up and turned on the tv. cockblocked by freestyle skiing. seriously?
Who won mens moguls?
That canadian guy... bilodeau... but you're missing the point, dude.
is it bad that upon arriving to my fourth sex toy party the sex toy lady instantly recognizes me?
She barfed in the corner of the baby pool. Then she yelled "it's okay" repeatedly while trying to scoop it out.
How do you feel about fucking me quick and then me leaving to go do arts and crafts?
There is only one good excuse for how sore I am right now. And that is incredibly acrobatic sex. Unfortunately for me that is not my excuse.
I can always tell I missed tequila night based on the hickeys on your neck man. Fucking call me.
Jelly. This is your "are you still alive" text. Any response will do.
Hey I found a cat!
I wrote an entire paper in under an hour about The Nightmare Before Christmas. I was also high as shit and pretty sure I dedicated half the page to the animation but still.
Trust me, I'm a professional lesbian.
Let’s try it, I’ve never had a bad time with sex, tacos and beer.
Aww his grandma died? That's sad! No mourning sex!!! That doesn't lead to good things!
It was a good thing I was on the balcony flashing those guys or I would have never seen her skipping to his car
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