I just had sex in the back of an ambulance. Call me.
I think I have a pornographic memory.
Don't you mean photographic?
No.
i really did not know you could catch crabs from a sofa until now
She transformed our coors light pitcher we stole from the bar into a fruit basket...
hey, this is the drunk ass freshman from last night. thanks alot for helping me out last night, i'd probably be on some lawn if it wasn't for you guys! and my mom says thanks for talking to her
I told my dad that bagels were the equilelent of angels kisses and if he bought me one i would do a split
She found 60 bucks at the strip club. Its probabably been in a vagina but really most money probably has
Well they kicked us out after we started heckling the acrobats
I wouldn't blame my organs if they just decided to quit working after this weekend
OH BABY IM HERE AND IN A BLANKET FORT
COME TO THE BLANKET FORT
i had a mental breakdown over a math asignment proposed to a glass of chocolate milk then burned my hands when i acidentally leaned on the stove i have the grill marks burned on my hands i can see them
its only been 20 minuts since i last saw you
Two guys I banged regularly got married this week. I need vodka.
Leave it to me to pull up my boyfriend’s grandfather’s obituary just to find out the name of his sister.
I may have taken the entire adderall. I FEEL LIKE THE FUCKIN HULK. I can't stop cleaning and organizing and doing the clean things
The shower rod just came down while I was pooping. I caught it though and the curtain stayed on, so I'm not sure if it's a good or bad omen for the rest of my day
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