I want to make a zoo with you.
I just crawled out of a second story window using a sheet and his clothes for a rope so he wouldn't wake up.
I am so glad I watched Macgyver as a kid.
I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
I guess so. I don't really give a fuck. I think I'm going to jerk off really loudly tonight just to keep them on their toes
Ate pizza for the 3rd time today, can't decide if that's disgusting or an amazing aspect of American culture.
i took my goldfish out of his bowl last night and put him in my bed
I had a pretty decent weekend -- aside from dropping the baby on her head. That.. That I feel bad about.
When you accidentally type "I want Prince William to fuck me in the ass" to your mom there's really no way to take that back.
She's the one that asked you what my favorite color was & handed you a piece of bacon
holy fuck that shirt looks so good on him, it was like he was born with it on. that shirt deserves a blow
I didn't pay for a single drink 'help me I'm poor' was my drink pickup line. it totally worked.
Get in your clown car, pick up everyone you know, and head to the park. drunk Sledding grand prix tonight. winner takes home the leftover beer
We had sex during an intermission, then the second period. The bruins better win. Missing a period isn't worth having sex with him
You were sitting in a chair and you said "I just feel like a little fishy, floooooating through the ocean, so pretty"
I'm only friends with her because I can't stop watching the train wreck.
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