I just woke up wearing the O-ring from my dildo harness as a bracelet. Classy.
Postcard from jail please. Reserving a spot on my fridge.
I feel like his dick looks like a decorative autumn squash.
He gave me one look and told me I'm not allowed to board the plane if I'm still as drunk by departure time.
Plus, I've always wanted to drive in rush hour with a huge cock drawn on my hood
Posting happy birthday to my grandpa on Facebook.... Then realizing my profile pic is me dressed as a slutty cop when he used to be a police officer.
Holy. Crap. I just found a hickey on my bikini line. He never got my pants off. WHO IS THIS MYSTICAL HOOKUP WIZARD?
All I really remember is thinking that the music looked like beautiful lizard waves in my head
I stood on the corner waiting to be picked up, dry heaving, and trying to block out the sun.
Would it be playing god to put spaghetti on my pizza?
IDK I WAS CAUGHT UP IN THE TEQUILA SHOTS AND FRIENDSHIP
About to go make a man out of a 24 year old boy
As I shove my ninth taquito of the day into my mouth...
Picking our battles
Sex. Target parking lot. I really am the mayor.
long story short... we may or may not have lost your car.
You should not be involved with someone who smells like that. Because that smell seriously does not go away. Even if you can't actually smell it at any given point, it will still haunt you
Randomize
