it's too hot outside to masturbate.
I mean. If you don't have time I understand, but my dick doesn't.
It's not that drunk me is smarter; it's that sober me is secretly playing for the other team.
That awkward moment when you can't tell what smells like tacos: you, the cat, or the strange guys blanket your so tenderly swaddled in.
I'm drinking nothing but vodka and coffee for the next 48 hours. For science.
tell her i changed her phone's unlock password to be the length of my fully erect penis in centimeters. I'll be in my room for the next two hours.
At least one of us had a weekend full of money and dick
We're like adult pinky and the brain when they decided that taking over the world is unrealistic so they aim lower by trying to get drunk every day.
I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities
Ur here to start shit and I'm here to light that shit on fire
Although the guy I'm messing around with just offered to let me be his rich brother's sugar baby
I'm disappointed in the internet. It's two days and there's still no fanfiction based off that Manning/Beckham commercial.
You don't even like football
That ass isn’t going to eat itself.
So apparently my bro is going to make me fix his tattoo this trip... He sent me a pic of said tattoo. Tattoo is of a sperm, on his penis, which was in a woman's mouth... Wth
My dad just invited me to smoke a blunt with him. Parent-child bonding at its finest (and highest).
Randomize
