did we hook up?
no, because you kept repeating "itty bitty titties" when i took off my shirt
There was an audience eating triscuts and bananas in the bathroom while watching him puke. It was a good birthday.
look out your window.... he's holding his iphone up like a boombox playing you beach boys
FUUUUUCK she froze all my quaters inside the ice cubes again
Also I hooked up with a trainer at my gym. Between her, the married chick, and the bartender, my life is becoming a bad porn plot.
Drunk you is everything I aspire to be in life.
you called your neighbor "slutsauce" then passed out on the stairway. not even sure why, but props to you.
im just laying here pukin in my mouth and swallowing it 'cause im WAY too lazy to actually get up and find a place to vomit. this is my life now.
It's not socially acceptable to be drunk in adult world. That fact makes me die a little inside.
Why did I puke in my shower caddy last night
I love you. Go after that dick
I'm hosting my annual valentine's day party tomorrow with every hookup I've ever had. thoughts on how it will turn out ??
You need a new phone. When you talk it sounds like the teacher from Peanuts while she's trying to give a blowjob.
just saw a kid waiting at the door of the stairs for the elevator. there is no elevator in this building. get on his level.
I do very much feel like vomiting. and I have no idea where that lighter came from. thank you for coming to my TED Talk.
Randomize
