Molly wanted me to tell you, "she hasnt shit on the floor in a while" like she thinks its an accomplishment.
I saw him on the jumbotron, its like god doesnt want me to forget his tiny penis
My fuck buddy took time out of his date with his girlfriend to text me happy Valentines Day.
He just sent me a picture of me icing a cake with a butcher knife topless.
So I just chugged the rest of the wine in my mug so I would have something to eat my corn flakes in. With a plastic fork. I need a dishwasher
And maybe a life coach?
He broke the bed, AND shit in the closet. What a way to lose his virginity. What a night.
I dropped my keys into the toaster and felt it push down as I pulled them out. Couldn't stop thinking it was a bad idea the whole time.
I still don't know how you've lived this long.
I mean.. listen to "Put It In My Mouth" and you'll get the gist of my voicemail for you.
he thought it would be funny to put his dick inside a beer bottle and wear it around. until we all realized how small his dick would have to be to fit in a beer bottle
He seems like a lot more than a waste of tequila
I am at 99 matches in less than 24 hours, I need a tinder rehab program
I'm ready to run through the streets naked yelling "HES ALIVE!"
After all this I still can't spell gonorrhoea without autocorrect
Are you drunk already?
Not already - at LAST.
I need some buff guys to cuddle me and call me precious
Randomize
