I have 250 contacts there has to be someone sober to take me to taco bell
Nothing says "I'm a sorority girl" like puking at 830 in the am, wearing my anti-hazing pin, and getting ready for a tea party.
I'm not making any promises. But if I start throwing food at you, just go with it.
You're just mad because I look hotter in my mug shot than you do in yours
Seriously my only wish tonight is to be at the club in a sombrero w my shirt off pouring tequila on bitches titties
He just snapchatted me a picture of his cock. The angle makes it look like a freakin skyscraper. Thinking of photoshopping a little monkey on it.
We're going to party like we don't have spanx on
Flatmate got laid for the first time in 3 years. I'm baking a cake.
I got so high that I ate a protein bar while in the shower. I then proceeded to leave half the protein bar and the wrapper on the ledge in my shower. Haha oh well.
Red Alert: She has 3 cats, a parrot, and 2 rats. Initiate Protocol Zero and rendezvous at Checkpoint Bravo for debriefing
I'm not coming to work today because tequila
Not sure how but he broke three of his fingers while giving a blowjob. How does someone that accident prone survive to adulthood?
Sorry about the Christmas balls dude. At the time I thought they were festive as fk but I see now I've just spent too much time on the internet
He's got the good dick trifecta - flip phone, works outside, bed with no headboard.
I just balanced a full glass of chocolate milk on my left boob. Don't think i've ever been more proud.
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