peeing in bathroom at penn station and the homeless man next to me is combing his beard with a fork...god I love new york
i just want his dick, seriously i'm about to take trifiling lessons. we'll call my alter-ego blair and she will screw his brains out, girlfriend or not.
good news. it is gonna rain tomorrow so now I don't have to pay to clean the puke off the side of your car.
Why the FUCK can i grow hair on my big toes but not on my chest?
it's sad when i round the corner and the dog goes directly for the liquor store
Just remembered i had an ordained minister bless my booze last night.
I don't know where Tiffany is but I just saw her shoes in the bar lost and found
It was sunday, you had a camel back of bloody mary stumbling around a dog park with no dog.
I think I'm going to add the date I dumped his sorry ass as a life event on FB.
I think that's justified.
I came so hard I burst a blood vessel in my eye. If i cant marry this girl, I'm gonna have to switch teams.
Well she got high, deleted the essay she was working on, and then ordered dominos. We all manage stress in different ways.
I wish I got like a congrats basket for being a responsible sexually active member of society complete with condoms, tissues and lollipops.
I shit like a lady though so that rarely happens
dude new orleans is fucking wild these two guys just performed dueling banjos except they were actually fighting with the banjos
Woke up way too warm in the middle of a spooning sandwich. Was working up a rant about still not wanting a threesome. Then I realized the littlest spoon was the dog. Might need to break up anyway.
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