Planned Parenthood should have gift certificates.
"reccomended dose" hasn't been in my vocabulary for quite some time.
I've realized that you're the only friend i can rely on to drink with me any given day. i thank you for that.
i look like a southern belle. however, i am around a million kegs. so i will be a southern shitshow.
I refrained from asking a guy what he spilled on his dick because it smelled good. Morals.
It's called being normal.
door buzzer is fixed. took shots with Latvian electrician to celebrate. nice guy. he is gonna bring mixers next time cuz kombucha didn't really cut it for him.
I vaguely remember taking a yard light, holding it up like the statue of liberty, and all of us at the party chanting the national anthem. What a glorious night
I just took the kind of shit that makes your eyes well up with tears as you feel it moving inside of you... So cleansing.
As your only female friend, I feel the need to inform you that texts like these are why she dumped you.
I told him if he ever gets a "wink" text from me after 10:00pm to assume I really mean "we should be hooking up by 2:30am"
I really like your cover photo on fb that looks cool
In case birth mom friends me back, thought I should make it less drunk looking.
All I know is I woke up with his business card in my bra and in my handwriting on the back it says 8 inch.
So last night I turned down multiple drinks because "I didn't want to hold them". It's time reevaluate my decisions
Kinda awkward to hear your aunt complain about loose women when you're in town to be a stunt dick for a swingers convention. Just sayin.
I'm gonna tell the medical examiner that your cause of death was over-arousal.
Well, I turned down sex again. This is guy #5 in the past 2 weeks. My vagina is going to seek emancipation.
Randomize
