2 nights ago she wants to see other people, tonight she wants to have a threesome. The GOOD kind of threesome. So... win?
You can't hide fat with big sunglasses.
I wish life had little blips of pornography
Just got a call at work, I have to consent to a random drug and alcohol test by end of business day, if you arranged this it's the best/worst April fools prank ever.
been home a week and haven't blacked out yet. i miss college
I use him for alcohol and he uses me for sex. This is the closest thing to love i could imagine
And then you'll find yourself a hot chick and leave me behind with nothing but my back fat to keep me company.
Climbing out Mr. Friday night's bathroom window. He thinks I'm puking. Be on state st. with the getaway car and if you could bring me a shirt and some advil that'd be dandy.
So proud. See you in five. I've got coffee.
Woke up in a pile of people on the floor. His dad was already up and ask me to help him cook bacon because "7 lbs can be a mother fucker"
I either need to get adopted or have someone's baby, but I'm joining that family
At least your night didn't end with three cops seeing your ass and you sitting on the ground in a wig throwing your shoes at people
The time to say "now you can't go and be strange about this at work" is not as you are penetrating your coworker. NOW its awkward
He's 30 years old and woke me up for a hand job. Last time I go home with someone I met through Tinder.
PLEASE HELP ME THE AMERICANS ARE YELLING ABOUT TURKEY, I DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO
I think I gotta smoke less weed, I'm getting to lazy to fuck my girlfriend
A true gentleman never tells. But yes, I did indeed get laid last night
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