based on who turned up here tonight the whole evening should just be called "mistakes i made when i was fat"
DO NOT FUCK HIM ON MY BEAN BAG CHAIR
Awkward interaction of the day: Staring at some guy trying out if he is or is not the guy that woke me up yesterday by getting arrested in front of my apartment.
#1 benefit of having an equality sticker on my car: some girl flashed me while i was driving home
He taught me where the gears in a five speed are with his penis.
Im about to smoke a huge bowl. My penis is so happy. Who needs girls.
That's the last time I send a mass text invitation to smoke a blunt
So my Mom pointed out my vibrator on the night stand next to my stun gun and reminded me of how much I drink.
CUM CAME OUT OF MY NOSE. MY SINUSES ARE ENTIRELY FUCKED UP NOW BC OF THE CUM TRAVELING IN PLACES IT SHOULD NOT HAVE.
My liver needs me to go back to work asap.
Changed all my ex bf's names to "no" in my phone so the next time I try to drunk text one of them it'll basically be like Russian roulette
We found him sitting in the back of the club crying into a strippers lap. She told us he missed his pet frog and to come back later.
Your sister just admitted to being a " much bigger bitch" than you. So you've got that going for you, which is nice.
I wore my lizzie mcguire socks to the bar last night. Because that's how i get all the ladiez
At this point, I would not mind getting hit by a truck. It would mean I could get this over with quicker.
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