i kept saying "bloody hell" in a ron weasley accent until i forcibly told myself to shut up
here I sit at Southern Illinois' finest pubs and I thought I heard your laugh. I was sadly astonished to turn and find a midget cracking herself up reading the label on her can of chewing tobacco...
you just kept yelling NO BUENO SENOR at the cashier and throwing coins at him, of course you were going to get kicked out of the grocery store
Somehow after we left in 3 different cars to all go to different places we still all ended up in the emergency room
It's that moment where you find out the girl you've been dating for 6 months is a mob daughter. Post breakup.
Yo if you blacked out last night, careful going through your purse. There's cocaine in a lollipop wrapper.
I also love my swipe to text changed a singular vagina to a plural vaginas. like my phone somehow knows I secretly want 2 vaginas
i dont get why youre mad at me. i promised you he looked like jim morrison and you failed to ask me like which era
I bought a box of wine on my way home. I figured if I’m going to be broke during the holidays, I might as well be able to drink about it.
Yes, you can glue plastic eyes to my dick and take pictures while I'm asleep. If you tell anyone I said you could do that Ima fight you.
I don't get a "my roommate is fucking you" discount?!
I think we might need a safe word for this...
It was sweet, he carried me out of my bathroom after I passed out, built me a pillow fort so I wouldn't roll out of bed, set a glass of water on the table, and brought me a mixing bowl to puke in. Totally a sign we're more than just fuckbuddies.
You know you're getting old when you pick up hot sorority girls at the bar, and they write down their phone number, and under it 'we're great babysitters!'
My boob job is like a master key that gets me in any door, any party and anyone’s pants! They’re magical!
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