You realize if you die tommorow, the last memory i'll ever have of you is your ballsack on skype
I wish Facebook had filters like: Ivy League school, frat boy, straight, extremely wealthy, great in bed.. I would check all of them
you know you've made it when it's your own pool table you're waking up on
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
Its official. Girls from Indiana do not give rim jobs.
that bitch in the red sedan is still teasing me with the ice cream cone. i'm going to show her my dick
I felt so bad for you. Drunk Rachael wanted nothing more than to crawl into the cop car and give you a hug. Luckily Mollied/Barred out Rachael convinced Drunk Rachael this was a terrible idea. So I ran. I have your keys btw
No. I'm drinking straight up vodka right now. With a pineapple in it.
That'll put some boobs in that bra.
Sushi was just eaten off my naked body. I feel like I can die in peace now.
So besides your brother walking in on you shaving and singing "I'm gonna get asssss" how was your night
Is offering to blow your HR rep considered an ethics violation?
I just realized I'm having shark week, during shark week.
It finally happened my mom knowingly gave me money to buy drugs i knew this day would come\n
Will u lay on an air mattress with me and drink vodka while we listen to Rick James?
No pussy. I don't care what time of year it is you do not look tough wearing sandals. Honestly you look like a high school guidance counselor.
Randomize
