I got my nipple pierced! I love it so much!
Well, there goes breastfeeding.
Well whatever you do have, it sure worked on me.
A Penis?
can you pick up eggs and chocolate sauce on your way home?
what kind of party is this?
the best kind ever
Hookup with hot guy from gym, check. Wake up to find he's peed in my closet, double check.
Doctor just prescribed me 20mg Ritalin 3 times a day. It's becoming the "grain and oats" section of my food triangle.
I just realized I'm trading you a pregnancy test for the morning after pill...
It's been a bad semester.
I'm trying to convey to the smoking hot Spanish cleaning lady at work that I want to bone her but I think it's getting lost in translation. How do you say "blowjob" in Spanish?
Yeah but I get laid and I know. He drank toilet water last night and he doesn't know about that either. Still makes me happy though.
Girl, he can't tell you not to take a bump just because you work tomorrow. You're on a wedding diet, remember?
You are a piece of meat with a side of awesome to me.
So I just stirred my shower drink with my razor.
I'm not going to ask which end you used.
I mean, he drove your car and it burst into flames, if anyone cant be trusted, it's him.
Well, you were never considered a shining example of sobriety anyway
My friends said as soon as you walked in, I motor boated you like there was no tomorrow.
Yeah, I liked it.
i came so much i feel like i were to try again, only dust would come out. and maybe glitter
Randomize
