It's pretty bad when the convenient store clerk can tell you that you're earlier than usual for visiting the store.
dude can i febreze my hair or is that slutty?
You know how my eyes change color? Well I noticed after I hook up with someone my eyes are greener.
Wow, so you're like the Edward Cullen of sluts.
Seriously... There's something wrong here. I'm drinking vodka to mask the smell of chocolate on my breath before I get home and he finds out. I fucking hate couple dieting...
Just finished putting caution tape around the tv. Sober me needs to prepare.
From scraping the remnants from a coke bag at a lingerie party to meeting with an 80 year old man to discuss civil rights all in under 12 hours bizarrely feels like the epitome of my life
5am, I am wayy too drunk for this. Hookers came out of nowhere. They're like ninjas. Some poor soul got the fat one, tomorrow's going to be interesting...
Buy Actually if the police need to find my body I'm on an air mattress in an apartment near a McDonald's that's all I see out dat Window
I told him I was on the pill and it was OK to fire away. I want to never have to wear panty house or ever go to an office again. This is my early retirement plan. I want half of his NBA money.
Carver called his mom a milf again
Was it on purpose this time?
I accidently sent a dick pic to the group chat with her family. Right after they all said it was a pleasure having me for dinner. Wana drink with me?
I saw a picture of a baby and it reminded me to take my birth control. Priorities
Do you know how difficult it is to snap a good dick pic while driving?
Responsible things to do when you're too hungover to get out of bed: Breast self exam.
Protip if he licks the back of your knee and you reflexively kick him your game of 'lick the lady' is over.
Randomize
