I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
I'm torn. Shes everything I ever wanted, but I just cant get past the story about having drunken sex with her dog in high school.
Or I die of a heart attack, which is the more likely/less fun scenario.
As the guy I'm having sex with on the side I shouldn't ask you how to dump my boyfriend. But you are the most emotionally detached person I know.
My bruised ribs were so worth that win in beer pong
He corrected my use of grammar... I think we both know that means i have to sleep with him
adding to the list of how to lure in freshman boys: take dogs for a walk, yell at them from across the street, sit on the curb at 3 in the morning sobbing
How was that my fault?! I made you breakfast and gave you cake, as you asked. Then, you initiated sexual activity.
Had a grope session with a girl who looked like my Mom and had the same name as her as well. I think therapy is in order.
I can't put those talents on a resume
We are in Florida for 3 days. The people in charge of shit brought: a waffle maker, a cheese grater and a SEWING MACHINE
AND NO VODKA
No it's a real cult, with original ideas and shit like that
How ya feelin sunshine?
Like a million dollars! ... That has been hit by a bus, drowned under water and beat repeatedly by a shovel.
Bitch got stabbed in the eye. With a fork. Wait for it... At church. I was the only one at a party interested in her story. Only in the south
Just bedazzled a flask, while drinking out of it. Hot glue is EVERYWHERE.
Randomize
