mom and grandma are in town. grandma wants to get drunk with you
When my options for Friday night are being a 3rd wheel or bringing a gay man as my date i need to focus on other things in life like having a successful career.
I think the phrase "bag of smashed assholes" describes it best
I just saw a homeless guy on rollerblades; I don't think I've ever felt sorrier for someone in my life.
Is it socially acceptable to order two burrito bowls?
anything's socially acceptable if you do it with enough confidence
I need your advice and before you say it, no, it cannot be solved by a blow job
You clearly don't understand the power you wield with your mouth.
Listen, this was just a tiny lapse of judgement.
I'm pretty sure that's not a synonym for pregnancy.
On the brightside though, I found the motivation to clean my shower, it was right underneath my need to masturbate in said shower.
Let me just say....i'm sorry about setting your carpet on fire. I had no idea that the paper towel would burn that quickly.
You could make a naked club. One member, you. One president, you.
Apparently he walked into the room and started yelling at some huge hairy dude to get out of my room. Except it wasn't my room... Because he was on the fourth floor.
Life is when you're laying naked in bed, eating Double Stuff Oreos with your boyfriend, blazed as fuck. Happy 4/20.
Just please try not to piss Danny off, I really can't afford to find a new drug dealer again
Rum and your dick are involved. You're relying on the unreliable narrator.
I think I fell asleep on my pizza last night. Damn, I am sauccccy.
Randomize
