the nicest thing hes ever said to me is give me head.......please
Sundresses, hats, and big glasses. That is the greatest trick the devil ever taught women.
She seriously pointed at the couch and asked me if she could "ride the talking giraffe". I'll never serve everclear again.
it was good sex until i became a rubber doll and he became a jack hammer, so i guess overall it was good
I'm in this weird masturbatory haze making onion rings. If you want to come over we can eat these suckers and play TF2.
Why don't we hang out more often?
if any part of your body has ever entered my vagina you are fucking obligated to speak to me if i so desire
Using the random money I found in my bra from Halloween to pay to print my bio notes. I only brought a debit to the bar. College win.
I know that we've never been that tight but I want you to meet my cat before I move.
You slapped my ass and yelled "HOOTY TOOTY WHAT A BOOTY" in a Schwarzenegger voice
Three months into our sexual relationship, he comes out with "Your body is efficient". WTF do I do with THAT?
I just jerked him off with one hand while holding my wine glass with the other and watching Congo. I feel like this was a preview to my married life...
I was asked last night if Magnum makes a XXL..... I don't think I've ever broken this many condoms in my life
Like people our age are getting engaged, and I’m out here spooning with a giant unicorn I bought at Walmart on Black Friday.
The problem with adderall is that no matter what I'm doing, I feel like it was the most productive thing I've EVER done.
Did you alphabetize our spice cupboard again?
...You'll thank me later.
What do you do when you legitimately find a hidden sex dungeon in your parents basement next to your bedroom!!?
Randomize
