I do no wrong. I am always right. Right? I forget why I am sending this. It seemed relevant.
Penelope Cruz needs to learn American words.
i took a field sobriety test yesterday. a crowd gathered, watched me pass it and applauded. then the cops arrested me because i took a bow and fell over.
the cops didnt even say happy birthday to me :(
on a side note you can NOT make bong water out of a pear
Question. Will thrown up fruit loops go down the shower drain?
If you're trying to piece together your night, I can tell you where those tassels came from.
apparently the bartender would rather give me free shots than tell me that my whole nipple piercing was hanging out
Her mom is a nurse who got called in to declare someone dead. Just got wing manned by a corpse.
Please tell me how the stripper got back to Sarah's from the trailer park
Owwww. A manager/ employee sex scandal that DOES NOT involve me! SCORE!!!
You are the epitome of what awesome would taste like.
The poop emoji wasn't even in my recents. Does that mean I'm growing up?
you put your dick on my shoulder this morning like it was a fucking parrot
its liver damage thursday
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