Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
I just tried to light a cigarette with a tube of lipstick. If I had stayed in girl scouts maybe I could've made that happen.
sarcasm needs its own font
everyone has their kryptonite. mine just happens to be 18 year old blonde girls.
i crunched every chip from the dorito bag and poured it in the vase. never again will i have to deal with cool ranch fingers.
You are in charge of making sure that her vagina explodes with joy tonight.
Just had a pleasant conversation with a mugger while he was taking off my shoes. Why can't I get along with people like this sober?
Please stop using me as a reference for bail bondsmen.
You fed me pizza off a sword last night.
Made eye contact with a friendly neighborhood dog walker while violently puking out the window. How's your Wednesday going?
Mom called her a cunt. I think that's code for "don't bring her over ever again."
We were having sex and my nose just started pouring blood. He reached down to the floor, grabbed a sock and held it to my nose. He just kept pounding away like nothing was happening.
I'm willing to share. He can have sloppy seconds.
I gave him blue balls & ate the last slice of pie so the chances of a second date are slim...
I'm a full-grown woman and thusly I expect my sphincters to behave themselves.
Randomize
