I dont get it-she has sex with me but wont be my facebook friend?
I think the only thing that impresses me are nice penises...and Jesus. Jesus would impress me. Especially if he walked on water again.
Sorry, I don't speak sober.
A woman in the waiting room at the STD clinic told me that she is going to pray to jesus for my penis.
and people in Baltimore still get a bad wrap.
drunk doesn't even begin to explain it. dude called him and said to bring you back because he'd already called dibs.
He walked in and put an x made out of tape on the floor. He then announced that he was going to pass out there. Cocky or strategic?
Sorry I never got back to you, I ended up at a party with pot ice cream, pot apple cider, and hash vegetable oil.
Doing lines off a plate that says, "things go better with coke."
On a not really funny at all but kinda brighter note I've gotten really good at texting in hand cuffs
I now have a bottom rung on my kissing scale. Like I can say "Well. On a scale of Matt to Braxton he was probably a Zach." It's the little things.
Doug will be the one to get my vagina. I don't know when or how but I'm now declaring that it is his. And he better not disappoint.
If you break up with me one more time it's over.
I should probably apologize for licking you last night since you drove me home, but I stand by my decision
You were so drunk, you kept telling everyone you had a platinum vagina.
I only gave you one rule about using the beach house: don’t get cum on anything!
You’ve seen my tits! You had to know that rule was unrealistic! Does it help that he was really cute?
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