I'm at derby!
The kentucky derby! But its night time, theres no way the horses are awake at this time.
I had a dream last night, there was a gumball machine that was filled with Oxycontin. I would try to get some but got vitamins instead. I was so frustrated!! woke up angry.
i was trying to wake him up so i just kept touching his dick
your brother is wearing shin guards in the swimming pool. i have a feeling that this happens often
His band may suck, but it's not like I'm sleeping with all of them.
When I come over I'm bringing "Socky" the Alcoholism Prevention puppet, today he is going to tell you boys about his FAVORITE word---its called "moderation"
He left an apology note saying he had to work and that there was coffee, OJ and food on the table with two Excedrin. I left his spare key with the door guard and she said "too bad I don't go for skinny white boys or I'd jump you both!" Best one night stand ever.
I'll be there in 10. I need you naked and ready. Warm up.
That final makes me want to drink myself into the fetal position
WHY IS FOOD SO DELICIOUS
BECAUSE SCIENCE
I made out with drunk Joe Dirt and then put his mullet wig on for him. True Halloween romance.
Tolerating him while I'm not drunk is like trying to find a word that rhymes with orange
So apparently being drunk at work isn't allowed.. who knew?
HE LIVES IN ANOTHER STATE
actually scratch that last text, he's the perfect boyfriend. He stays faithful and doesnt find out about all the guys here. it's a win-win
My new gym is popular with trophy wives. They’re talking about yachts and plastic surgery
Learn their secrets! I want to meet men with Maseratis. The meat heads and Mustangs scene is getting old
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