I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
just heard someone say they saw a guy puke while riding a bike across campus without stopping
We were squawking at each other for over an hour like chickens. Literally. Never touching the stuff again and never again showing my face at that Denny's.
the campus cop used the word depravity in our citation.
Good afternoon everyone! Just texting to inform you that Andrew, your emotionally detached man-whore, will be back starting this weekend. Please RSVP.
You know this who 'I show my love by being a total dick' thing is getting old, right?
I need a thor helmet and I need to find my heavy duty drinking mug
And literally 4loko margaritas are callin my name. They're like "Hey girl come on over here I'll make you forget about grades and boys and it'll be a good idea to send everyone 55 snapchats of your cleavage" ok
Henceforth: booty calls will now be referred to as "deliveries of anatomy". That is all.
He got an erection from helping me mobilize my lumbar spine. I love physical therapy school.
Is it okay to thank someone for the orgasms they gave you, even though they weren't with you?
Yeah well I just had an orgasm on my bathroom floor so there's a first for everything I guess
Nothing ruins an orgasm faster than accidentally calling out his boss's name
So here I am, sexting at work.
i don't like interrupting booty calls. thats just rude.
Randomize
