Eric and I got kicked off of karaoke last night. Apparently, singing about masturbation to the tune of "A Whole New World" is not appropriate and definitely frowned upon by the DJ.
I'm sitting by myself in my bra eating a waffle and drinking pineapple rum. gamedaaaayyyyyyy
I just saw someone EAT a flashcard out of frustration. Finals suck.
i feel this will be the best possible way to start a friendship. By breaking into his house.
The stripper just invited me to take shots with him out at his car after he gets off stage.. I mean why not? I've already seen everything he's got and it'll be easy to get him naked.
How can someone be so bad at fingering? It's such a simple concept
It's a strange mix of shame and pride every time I pee at the bar and still see my lipstick on the bathroom wall...
I accidentally sent him a snapchat of my boobs and now we're going on a date tomorrow... Could be worse.
My goal for the weekend: procure a blowjob using only stern glances, hand gestures, and crudely-drawn stick figures.
A penis isn't a time share. I want to own not rent.
like, by the end of my shift people were asking if I'd sobered up enough to take a drink order yet. that bad.
You've lost booty call privileges between the hours of 10pm and 8am.
We had sex to Hey Arnold, Rugrats, and All That. I feel like my life has come full circle.
Morning! Got your 3am VM to remind you to get up for spin class and also confirm you were not murdered by the sketchy guy at brunch yesterday. So this is your literal and metaphorical wake up call.
I may or may not have puked near a bear on the side of the road this morning.
Randomize