i was unaware that anal sex sometimes ends with shit on the bed.
He wouldnt get hard, then started talking about his ex wife. I literally rolled over and started to cry
you did pass out in the elevator last night, so it could be motion sickness
Why is there a cactus in the microwave?
Don't worry about it.
Last night when I was hammered I set a reminder to tell you that your boobs are my favorite ones in the world, so this is me giving you that message.
Should I feel bad that I fucked her and made her ride my little brothers razor scooter home?
Her face was so far in my boobs, I didn't think she'd make it out. She took it like a man. She's a real trooper.
he confused my yawn for an orgasm
nothing says 'im willing to leave my comfort zone for you' like letting you choke me during sex
Never thought I'd say this but I just want to go home, ice my balls, and pop a Vicodin.
Sorry blacked out and lost my phone. Judging by the looks of my body I fought a cat and fell into a bush.
I just looked at your pics on Facebook....there was cake? Where the fuck was I!?
Jesus, I just want to drink. Also simultaneously punch things and rub my vagina on them.
it's unicorns you uncultured swine
He drank an entire six pack, past out on the guest bed, woke up around 4AM, lifted & dropped my leg, then peed on the corner of the bed. When I told him where he was pissing he said "it's all the same babe."
Randomize
