Which is worse rug burn on your nipples or laying there after wondering how long you have to cuddle before you can sneak away?
True life. I have to get a nose job due to a deviated septum from blowing coke. Thank you college.
Dave got tied up again. I'm done breaking into girls houses to cut him loose. At least before noon.
Well at least the house will be decorated when u get evicted.
Is it wrong I want to seduce my ex to prove the point to his current gf he's an ass?
Doing bumps while the kids play upstairs. #bestnannyever
So I'll bring my machete and we can smoke your shit.
Out of context, that is a hilariously scary message.
Pregnancy test = positive. Hope you still have our old guess who game 'cause daddy elimination begins now.
and the oscar for 'most creative swearing' goes to you for 'jesus's bloody fucksticks'
Just reintroduced tequila back into my life...so that's happening
YAS SHES BACK AND BETTER THAN EVER
I called 911 when they kicked me out of the bar last night.
Then, he ate me out while I watched Bo Burnham. Best. Night. Ever.
I told him you forbid me to sleep with him so he needs to accept that.
Ahh yes. I lost my pants and swimming suit and phone charger. And I've found out who has them all even while hungover. Successful day. Nice party too.
its been well over a year and hes still saying sex with me was epic
Randomize