i'm writing my speech about my 4th grade backstreet boy concert experience. that sums up how seriously i take my life.
5am is far to early to be on jagerbomb number 6 right now
You were yelling in my ear let's double team her with her right next to us
I'm functioning at the level of a challenged walrus.
Either way, we will celebrate half Christmas the only way we can. Completely and irresponsibly wasted.
May or may not have just lost a contact hanging out Anthony's sunroof. Drunk. Hint: I can only see out of one eye right now.
The lady at Walgreens was all excited my pregnancy tests had a coupon.
But I do know they give away thousands and thousands in booze
My liver has a boner
what's the proper way to say, "I'm sorry for puking on you and your bed mid hook up then going downstairs and fucking your roommate because you locked me out of your room completely naked...?"
So what did you do since you didn't go out?
...ate chocolate and watched bring it on....it's like I don't even know what it would look like to be straight.
Too bad I can't un-pee in his body wash
Your first mistake was thinking that you could get through the day without drinking a single bottle of alcohol. Your second mistake was wearing shark boxers.
Like he was trying to be sexy but he had shit taste in porn so i left
So I missed the eclipse because I was masturbating.
I once went to target high on hydrocodone. I assure you, they can handle unrespectable.
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