saw my dad's penis on the x-ray last night. at least his hip wasn't broken
We all just poured out a sip of our drinks for you. One for our pussy whipped homie.
seems the shocker is way more shocking if u get the fingers wrong
I'm going to community service drunk, and I'm still going to be the most normal person there.
Slut skills are useful in every country.
This whole living in Ohio thing is getting reaaaaallly old.
That weatherman I hooked up with is on TV again
Three guys came up to me at the bar and started dancing on me, while screaming "Johnson's girl." That's the last time I sleep with a freshmen.
Worst decision of artistic career thus far: bringing a banana to eat on male model day.
I will no longer accept nudes from you because I met your boyfriend last night and he seems like a nice guy
well smoking weed has become a deal breaker for me so I pretty much use "let's go smoke a blunt" as an icebreaker
I lost a shoe at the club last night, I think that's when I decided to go home.
I tried to open a bottle of wine with toenail clippers last night. So this morning was obviously rough.
IF I CANT STRIP TO SANTA BABY THEN WHY EVEN HAVE CHRISTMAS.
i woke up on the floor in front of the fireplace and my last google search was "fuck sponges"
Randomize
