Betty ford says i'm here all night
apparently 9 shots of absynthe does not take away your skill to walk. i just woke up under a tree in some field on the other side of town with 4 hours missing.
I was debating whether her purse was real then I saw her puke in it.
i'm starting to get really nervous about the relationship i have with my cat
"I never want to have to say, 'Please don't squirt me with your breast milk' again.
I am intoxicated and cannot bring you a burrito. However, if you want to bring ME one...
I would like to add..this is the first november for two years that i haven't cheated on a bf...thank you..thank you
I was naked with an australian flag taped to my boobs. Damn internationals think they can claim everything.
let's just skip the pleasantries and go back to my place for pizza and casual sex
There is nothing more demoralizing than exchanging 150 dollar Christmas gifts with a girl your not sleeping with
i woke up to something itchy on my head. it was his mustache. he fell asleep face-plant style on the side of my head. WTF?
After 3 dates I think I'm failing at painting the "sweet guy with a future" picture and more painting the "this is the guy to call when you've run out of options and want to get fucked in half drunk to forget about it" picture.
You sent me a picture of you holding a goat then asked me if I would have day sex
Being drunk isn't an excuse for eating all of the bacon asshole
He’s over 6 feet has amazing posture and went to Harvard and has an awesome job and a great dick and loves Jesus and is an organ donor
Is this the guy you have listed as free food in your phone
Noooo he’s listed as free food #5
Randomize