I just woke up to my FedEx of contacts I've been waiting for for about a week and my hungover ass went to the bathroom and used beer instead of contact solution.
70 feet underwater and I sharted my wetsuit, Tide pen won't clean this up.
You broke her grandpas urn and ran your hand through his ashes claiming it was pixie dust. I think thats why shes mad at you..
Only girl at that party wearing a fake beard and I STILL get laid...
he also begged me to fake an orgasm when he couldn't get me to come.
He's got serious oatmeal ass...take a moment and admire how google voice to text was able to detect oatmeal ass....twice
I fucked your brother... Hey, at least we know he is not gay... You're welcome.
Stop thinking your God dude. You passed out. God doesn't pass out...
I'm two guys short from fucking the whole baseball team and one is gay. I will be successful by the end of this month.
This costume is too restrictive. The priest and I cannot get it on while I am wearing it.
Someone with the Instagram name "hymenbreaker" just liked a photo of me and my grandma. I feel ashamed.
Making a mobile stripper pole for the back of my truck memorial weekend. Is where dignity goes to die
You know what the worst feeling in the world is? Sitting in your 6pm AA meeting still hungover from the night before
None of these texts make sense. except for "step 2.5 equals velociraptor." that i get.
i was so blazed last night that i kept imagining a talking eagle sitting next to me encouraging me to smoke more... i listened to it.
Randomize
