Note: fake nails and fingering anus.... Not a good idea
come home now. i got a twizzler tangled in my hair again
if it walks like a guido and talks like a guido, i'm gonna fuck it.
You broke a window with your face. I don't think the landlord will be as impressed as we were.
I am currently in the waffle making stage of highness
You said "i miss him" not "i miss his dick." You're getting emotionally attatched. Shame.
Ugh. This is the type of hangover that all other hangovers want to grow up to be.
NEW HOUSE RULE! If you make it in a chicks cleavage it's 3 cups and bra off.
BP at your house from now on.
I just sent a snapchat of my boobs for Adderall. It's finals season.
I'm full of champagne and rage, of course I'm showing up at his house.
For breaking and entering. I think neighbor dan cared more about me puking in his backseat than the surprise of me waking up there
I am drunk at 8am listening to Cyndi Lauper and dressed up in a penguin suit
Sorry I didn’t really get to say goodbye last night I was busy vomiting in your fathers front yard
Omg dude take a shower. You'll feel like god washed away all the sinful shit we did last night.
Hey? Just a hypothetical. You ever accidentally kill somebody's cat on purpose? Like you didn't mean to but it had it coming? If you're wondering it tripped me while I was walking down the stairs and I landed on it as I fell.
Randomize
