i met him on craigslist. and no i'm not a hooker.
I gave him a handjob while watching the presidential address. Needless to say, it was weird.
You going out tonight?
No I am at the hospital. Throwing up blood is apparently frowned upon.
A guy in a sombrero stopped to take a picture with me sitting on the curb.
Ended the weekend putting away 30 nuggets. Training for 100.
Whatever dude, I don't feel bad about it. If my girlfriend finds out even SHE should give me a high five. That bitch was fine
I can't take any time off so I'll be here drinking mimosas til I puke at home with my kitty
Yeah thats cool. We can play the alphabet game while doing bumps of coke in the back of his volswagon
So I was thinking for Halloween I'd do Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde....for my vagina.
She was into my hawaiian shirt and id never made out with a dinosaur... I feel like it worked out for everyone
I drew a giraffe.. But she did say that bumped that test up from a 39 to a 40. It's the little things.
Last night at McDonalds, you lied across the counter, pulled up your shirt and yelled "BODY SHOTS"...
"YOU A2TE UNDERAGE LOL" Got that at 2am. Gotta stop dating alcoholics.
I can never have sex in Utah again. The altitude had me breathing like a fat kid going up stairs.
When you get this divorce finalized we're going to mid evil times AND pirate dining adventure. We're gonna find you a couple of real men and make them joust/swashbuckle for your affection. My treat.
Randomize