Game over. He has a paternity test request on his table.
You always know it is going to end badly when a guy asks if he met you at a "coed naked lawn bowling party"
To say he's a good fuck is like saying the beatles had a bit of success. My vag is still mourning the fact he moved.
She kept crying and asking why I couldn't look more like Dennis quaid.
I drink more single than I do in relationships. Except with assface.
I just showered sitting down with a sippy cup of water in there with me. It took 40 minutes. That hungover.
I asked him why he was eating an entire can of refried beans, the only answer I got was "revenge"
We got back from the bar and started watching bizzare foods, which subsequently led to the consumption of large amounts of rancid lunch meat and small insects.
blew off easter dinner with the fam to go play shot roulette. woke up in nothing but my boxers in the back of a random pickup truck.
There's mini weenies and empanadas everywhere...
things i am: 1) still drunk 2) still wearing my leopard onesie 3) still gonna make my 9am lecture despite the odds CAN I GET A HIGH FIVE
Opening my shipments of mascara and nipple pasties this morning like a boss bitch
let me just take this time to thank you again for buying pudding.
Dude what happened last night?
I don't know, I'm still trying to figure out how I got my clothes back on.
He wanted me to do the rubix cube. He thought it was hot.
Randomize
