yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
I texted him about a book we both like. I was expecting a "ya great book... let's bone" response. It didn't work
hey remember that time we got really drunk, you tried to find narnia in my refrigerator and passed out in the freezer drawer??
no.
there's nothing like watching the sun rise at the library alone on a friday morning to make you want to kill yourself.
This hangover is way worse than all my relationships
He just gave a drunken 7 minute speech on how to make the perfect grilled cheese. he explained types of butter and cheeses....i think i love him
I told them I was gay and asked them to pass the pie. I ruined pumpkin pie for grandpa.
We just took turns doing keg stands. 27 is way too old for this. Out of 5 of us, our best time was 9 seconds.
The girl I hooked up with in exchange for Ramen freshmen year is living with the girl I currently wish to bang.
Try oodles of noodles this time.
We're gonna go drive around campus and throw water balloons at all the drunk bitches wobbling around, wanna come?
Upon further investigation it turns out it wasn't blood, but chocolate frosting from the cupcake I shoved in my pocket to "save for later"
Reading my bank statement stoned makes me feel like an adult.
You did that scary laugh you always do when you're blacking out except she's never heard it before and though you were choking and screamed at all of us when we didn't call an ambulance
It is a sign that I need a fresh start when Kelly Clarksons new album tells the story of my life.
Do you know how hard it is to put a bandaid on a vagina?
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