i stole $50 bucks from my girlfriends purse to pay for my other girls abortion pill...shes gonna be pissed
how the hell did we fit 12 drunk lesbians in your car?! I felt like we were playing lesbian tetris last night.
no ping pong balls so we're playing beer pong with an ornament. you can't tell me that's not festive.
Oh, I made pasta salad in the throw up bowl. I hope you don't need that for the next few days.
thanks for waiting 12 hours to ask if I was in a ditch or not
Fucking plugged the shower with taquitos I just threw up.
I need to shower, but I have no shower curtain... I think I can get by with a whore bath and a hat for one more day.
Yeah dude. Pulled out the couch and a bird flew at me. Please tell me who put a bird in my house.
A guy at one of our big accounts just said you probably dont remember meeting me saturday night ps you were right about those two girls being lesbian
which one of you assholes put my new jeans down the garbage disposal?!
What part of a retired stonemason dealing with your rock hard cock does not sound like you have the wrong number ?
You can't break up with me. I brought you to see Beyoncé.
I'm not dealing with this wiskey dick shit, 2016 is the year of hard dicks
He offered me free drinks all night if I could beat him in a drinking race. I blacked out after that but just found his credit card in my bra so there's that.
my friends roomated asked me this morning if we went to mcdonalds last night and i had no idea...that is until i checked my purse and found half a mcdouble in it...
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