I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
Nothing like all your friends getting engaged to remind you how much fun sleeping around is.
A zombie called me motorboat central while participating in an auction to motorboat my tits. he then proceeded to propose, insisting that he makes alot money.
I'm at the hospital waiting for my sister to push out her kid. I think I'll roam the halls and shame all the teenage mothers.
We hit a deer while we were singing an acapella version of "I will always love you"
Everything was cool until I tried to photo bomb those Hells Angels, then it's all a blank
they knew we were both to shy to do anything so they got us drunk and locked us in the back yard with a tent. it was fuck or freeze
you have the best friends
My date ended with her leaving the bar with that guy who used to jerk off in the back of the school bus.
Hey, Would it be ok if me and your wife have a ladies only night and masturbated on FaceTime together?
Just googled myself and a bunch of boob shots of me came up. Apparently my phone automatically uploaded them to my google plus.
Please google me ASAP and ensure I corrected this...
I miss you.
Yeah, I don't want to have sex.
The lady at the liquor store in my hometown just gave ran around the corner and gave me a hug when I came back from being gone for a couple months. My life is complete.
are you inviting me to ice cream?
the subtext of everything i say to you is inviting you to ice cream
Hhhaaa He said Peanutburter disinfect lol. Like peanut butter can disinfect stuff. None of those guys are safe
I’ve chosen to watch a Mercedes station wagon drive around the Austrian in the rain because it’s live sports. If that doesn’t explain 2020, I don’t know what does.
Randomize
