I am not sure how to feel about the fact that I was turned on by someone with a penis. I can't believe Lady Gaga would do this to me. :(
No, drunk sperm still make babies.
Bank of America texted me 7 times in 12 hours to say my balance was below $50. I kept transfering money back in. Then I texted my bank saying that it was okay, i knew what I was doing.
Being college poor has reached a new low. I am giving up on masturbating so i can save money on toilet paper
At one point I went looking for you and found you handcuffed to a chair. I'm pretty sure you handcuffed yourself. I don't know how you got there.
please come home... she's showing me videos of spanish parrots and is telling me about her dead cousin...
By the way, playing "guess who I had sex with last night" was a great way to start a Thursday, or any day
my vagina can't take this anxiety. there is no way he is 19 and this smooth. he's lying about his age or he's a goddamn sexual prodigy
I was high last night eating a fudge bar and making eggs with toast and corned beef hash for a 2 am snack and my dad asked what I was and the only reply I could think of was "I'm an adult."
i took four shots of tequila, threw my fist up in the air, then went around the party showing everyone how to do the ninja turtle handshake. that's the last thing I remember
HE TALKS ABOUT HIS DICK IN THIRD PERSON ABORT MISSION ABORT FUCKING MISSION
If my neighbors have super loud sex again tonight, I'm going to leave a ball-gag and roll of duct tape in their mail slot.
I'm serenading his dick with my words. I understand how poets get inspiration now.
I POOPED CONFETTI TOO. Ingested unacceptable amount of it oh my god can I die from this?
I climbed on the arm of the futon, flapping my hand fan frantically and hissing imprecations at the smoke detector
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