I swear I am going to pee, wipe my vag with my hand, and then slap you in the face with it.
Discovered the coffee filter hasn't been changed in a while. I believe the mold has hypnotic properties. Would try it again, but coffee vomit is not pleasant.
My new apartment is within walking distance of both the liquor store and the chinese buffet. This is either going to be my worst life choice ever or my best.
I didn't know there was such thing as a bad orgasm. Until him.
Two grown ass men just come into the bar riding humongous tricyles
You're just mad that I don't wanna have dugout sex with you
Why do you think she gets more guys?
well her prof pic is her in her bedroom looking hot and mine is me looking terrified while holding a giant spider at 6 flags, so there's that
We had half a pitcher of beer left and he asked us if we wanted a to-go cup. Fuck yeah we want it to-go.
Ugh a 13 year old just asked me why people drink, I had to explain it without making it sound good. I need a drink.
I lost Mario kart three times but I got laid so it wasn't the WORST night I've ever had.
Whiskey. Because sometimes it's fun to have your hands go numb.
I just feel weird about accepting their wedding invite when I've got a post-engagement video on my phone of him jacking off in my bathroom.
Today has been hell. Also I saw a dead man's penis. It's safe to say I will be getting very drunk tonight.
may or may not have snorted a line of tums... wtf.
The hangover struggle is to real, just passed the drive thru window. Twice.
Randomize
