my dad just encouraged me to do a kegstand
Do you realize we just stole 12 dollars worth of quarters each from the office petty cash just to get manicures? New high or New Low?
the crazy preacher outside Willard just began a monologue that began with "when i look at a vagina." We should stop by there more often
I'm going to knit you a pair of furry handcuffs. And you said that knitting class was dumb.
I don't remember you taking the condom off last night. Did you just walk home in it ?
Maybe he'll be famous someday and I can forget that anything embarrassing may have happened and just say that I fucked that famous guy.
I just windexed my mirror headboard, Lets get to work.
After you threw up you would repeatedly say "napkin" like a siren until somebody got you a fucking napkin.
I'm 2 beers deep on an empty stomach, and I just wanna say, I pride myself on my use of commas
Meanwhile I'm googling glory holes in Vegas
I need my daily rules like rule one don't put your dick in the vacuum cleaner
He came home at 2 AM on roller skates with his hair dyed pink while singing "Sweet Transvestite" and throwing glitter on all of us and everything we own. We had to call a cleaning guy.
I swear I was in Legend of Zelda Twilight Princess and American Ninja Warrior at the same time. I'm never getting high while rock climbing again.
Is it weird to invite your FWB to thanksgiving dinner??
woke up with a tree in my apartment. also the everclear bottle is suspiciously low
suspiciously? i think one of those explains the other
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