You should dream of me :)
I'm going to dream of single life.
I just woke up and realized I puked in my boxers WTF.
You stay classy.
The worst part was I forgot until I tried to put them on.
Alone. In an inflatable pool. Drinking vodka and raspberry lemonade. I don't need approval as much as I need to know you love me still.
#1 lesson to be learned from mardi gras this year: lock your car doors or some grimy dude like me might just bang in it and use your backseat as a kleenex
We talked him into tasing himself.
It's like an R Kelly music video in here. Only a matter of time before someone pisses on someone
Haha. Maybe he's one of those feminine men who fucks like a god then makes you fantastic crepes afterwards
In 2014 only three boys have seen my boobs so far
Pregnancy test = positive. Hope you still have our old guess who game 'cause daddy elimination begins now.
I'm either a high functioning alcoholic or I'm making the most of the fact that this is the last year that its socially acceptable to be black-out drunk five days a week.
Dude. I'm no longer allowed to use my sword when drinking. I just spent 20 min cleaning up popcorn. I stabbed Moe in the leg and chopped his door knob off
im about to go through the checkout with 3 flasks and a wedding card. let the judgement begin!
update: cashier guessed cash bar before i could say anything. completely bypassed "dry" and knew cash bar right away. i love this state.
we need to open a bar. a bar with... wait for it... A FUCKING BALL PIT.
LOL. Do you guys need a ride home?
No. we're home already. i just thought it was a brilliant fucking idea.
I went up to u at the bar, you grabbed my face and said, "hey you're Juan right?"
Let’s not dwell on the negatives. I have a fat ass and suck dick well.
Randomize
