SEEEEXXX PLEASE
The chance that I have herpes may have made me find god
apparently 20 random guys watched the process of me being carried on a mattress through the dorms
Does peppermint hummus sound good or am I just high?
people in the room actually applauded when we discovered you had the ability to somehow throw up on your own back
3 for 3 on getting girls who say "yolo" at the bar to have anal. Not the motto I live by, but it has changed my life.
Erry day erry day!
She's in the bathroom. Literally just told me she could make a guy cum using just her words. Not bad for Sunday brunch.
I like her. She smells like old lady but tastes like whiskey
Also I want everyone to be drunk at my funeral. Instead of wearing black just blackout. That way everyone can celebrate how fun I was
For breaking and entering. I think neighbor dan cared more about me puking in his backseat than the surprise of me waking up there
When you accidentally text the wrong guy for a dick pic and your surprised you get one In return. He just got on my "to do" list
I look excited, but its just a facade.
I'm all about clean living these days
You started your day with fried chicken and a bloody
... after you woke up in your own urine
Beer Olympics must happen in honor of the legit Olympics.
I'm drunkenly throwing popcorn at a spider, fuck him. Why does his scary 8 legs get to be happy?
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