she's leaving w me bro, I've been buying her mad shots. She's seen my apt. So locked down.
Hey its my first time.
I think you mean "it's my first time"
yo dude i was totally schwabbin last night.
what does that even mean?
you ever see those charles schwabb commercials, where the people are like half cartoon half real.... well yeah i saw that in real life.
We fish bowled my car and anna told us a story about time travel and part of it had people melted into the side of a boat and i imagined them being melted into my car moaning in pain and then we got scared and thought zombies were outside and couldn't leave for a while.
he peed everywhere. it's like having a puppy.
Pro tip: Don't start playing Bejeweled on Facebook while waiting for your Adderall to kick in. Unless you have the next 9 hours free.
One blow job doesn not make me gay.
The next time you try to involve a tickle me Elmo in my orgasm, I'm leaving you
Apparently stumbling across interstate bridges is not cause for concern but screaming Wookie noises at cars is. Thanks, cops.
On a scale of zero to "unmitigated disaster," how drunk is he?
He came over apologized for his lack of sexual skills. Cleaned my kitchen cooked me dinner. And gave me another one minute stand. I think im okay with this
Edible... I FEEL CLOSER TO THE UNIVERSE AND I DEF TRAVELED IN TIME. I THINK I CAN READ MINDS NOW.
How hot? Like... how many hemsworths?
Hey bring in backup. its going to take a lot more beer than we think to fill up the water bed...
you were so high you just watched the elf.... its spring
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