I swear if she hugs me I'm going to bleach my body
Found my sandals in your freezer this morning, THANKS
you know you've been in a long relationship when u start retiring sex toys
if I could go back to kindergarten and not fuck up my life, I so would.
Yea i traded my bed for half a bag of jimmy johns jalepno chips, am I proud of it no, Am I happy I did it? yes
saying that you may be able to suck the gay out of me was just my way of getting a blowjob...thank you for the valiant effort.
She's crying about either her ex boyfriend, her one night stand, or her own puke. None of those is worth the tears.
Well, we broke up and instead of putting my shit out on the curb like a normal person, she fucking donated everything to Goodwill. So now I have to pay two dollars for one of my own t shirts.
You can't just beat off while driving someone else's car. Thats a rule
Thats your rule and this car is nice
So you're on like a list there now..."Do not under any circumstances give this person a knife. Serve them in plastic cups ONLY"
I just smoked a joint and ate a sandwich while watching someone get arrested. Bonnaroo is a silly place.
I was desperate and wasn't about to let my cereal get soggy so I ate it on the toilet. Don't let me repeat last night.
Your skill with memes is vaguely frightening
I woke up completely naked in a mint condition 71 chevelle in someones garage. What.
By the way, you totally deserve "i got a job sex".
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