As a pleasant surprise..I woke to find a Burrito and Bottle of Gatorade .....Merry XMAS to ME
I'm now in all their contact lists as "Pee-Pee Hands"...
we took shots then she made me eat a dill pickle with cream cheese wrapped in a piece of turkey.
I hear the sound of that stray bird you rescued from the kitchen but am too busy drunkenly masturbating to feed it
if girls can go out in miniskirts and reveal their thongs, I should be able to wear a sheer dress with boyshorts with the word love bedazzled on my ass.
This is why you're my favorite.
I feel like if tampons weren't meant to be microwaved, they'd have a warning on the box, so we should be okay...
I know we said we never would. But try fucking a fat guy. He put in so much more effort and then made me waffles.
I refused to call him anything but Drake eyebrows all night.
I like how you were offering me $50 last night to come home with you to take care of you and your dog
I woke up this morning wearing his boxers as a shirt
The struggle bus has heated seats and stops at Dunkin on Friday mornings so I'll be okay.
I did stay at work til 5 but for the last hour I was just taking naked pics on my desk for some tinder guy
I knew it was all downhill from there when the straight vodka I was drinking tasted like water.
Soo I'm in the trunk of a car drunk about to jump on trampolines. My life rocks!
I'm going to blackout. I realize this
Randomize