Is it weird if i grunt like Tim Taylor when im having sex AND grilling steaks??
Thank you for leaving pool of vagina on my girlfriends carpet.
I just got hit by a car. I'm fine; I'll be to the bars in about 15
you wouldnt answer to anything but devil's advocate all night.
sweet and enthusiastic is code for tiny dick.
So how much of last night are we going to pretend never happened? Enough to stay friends?
Just served breakfast to a bunch of hella drunk kids. They kidnapped the birthday boy for his 21st and he was wearing a disney onesy and bunny ears. They've been drinking since before dawn, why don't we have friends like that?
Then he shook the next streetlight but this one broke and fell over. He told me, "This is the part where we run."
driving home hungover today was like a life test..it was like the goblet of fire
The morning after your company Xmas party and that moment you're eating a block of cheese in bed wearing a sequin blazer and recalling all the details of your one night stand with a coworker who happened to start that day...fuck.
Okay, I just reached peak living alone
I ate a piece of chocolate cake while jerking off
Well, I sent nudes with an Elmo t shirt on the floor... so there's that.
I just got home and spray-tanned my boyfriend. That's the side of relationships they don't tell you about...
I cannot believe all 4 of us had sex at the same time, in the same bed... And it didn't turn into a foursome..
Can I say it was a great night out of town? Fucking my co-worker in the hotel bed while my best friend is fucking his friend on the floor and a random guy is laying in the other bed meanwhile we are all passing a joint back and forth
Randomize
