you said the mailboxes were turning into babies and they started crawling away. then you cried and asked me how you were gonna get your college acceptance letters
Two words Indian burn...
What did she think it was, a shake weight?
It was a rude awakening when I turned on my phone and the first thing I saw was a picture of David's dick with a face on it, I need to stop drinking in his basement...
His penis was definitely too big to be the type that wants commitment. Shit.
Don't know how I even got in. I pulled my id out and threw it at the bouncer, and he just picked it up, checked it, and let me in.
I don't think anybody else enjoys making out with multiple guys on the same night as much as I do. I'm like a wine taster but with lips... it's like art to me. The bruise on my upper lip is proof of it
Nope. He totaled my car then moved back to Louisiana to work things out with baby mama. I sure know how to pick em
You sent me a picture of you licking the bottom of a shoe and the caption was "it tastes like shoe"
I woke up and found piles of popcorn in a trail around my house, ending at a laundry basket full of pillows. What were we trying to catch last night?
Friends don't let friends go vibrator shopping alone.
I just added Tubthumping to the playlist for tonight. This is going to make or break the party.
I'm going to be such a slut in Europe I've already decided
Send me dick pics. We'll make a scrap book
Or is it distressingly heterosexual?
I woke up and there was a huge blow up palm tree in my bed...
Did I tell you about the swingers? Because I think they're trying to trap me.
Randomize
