the mole on his forehead could get me off better than his dick
please tell me you have proof of this
It was like a little tadpole swimming in the big ocean.
part of it is the fact that im problem drinking, and the other part is my OCD wont let me leave the bottle half-empty.
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
Dude its 315 and I'm sitting here eating slices of cheese. Don't talk to me about tomorrow.
They just asked a fat guy to move to the other side of the plane. Send me a pic of your tits incase we crash
I took a hang over nap infront of the door to my 9am class
she basically told me that her vine videos last longer that I do
Yes, if by 'finishing my business' you mean vomiting in her bathtub and losing my watch.
did i just see you in the movie theater carrying a margarita into Frozen?
All the 6 year olds are jealous of my alcohol
The magician guy on probation is here at the bar. I'm gonna get him to show me a trick
Hey, thanks for helping me this morning
Always a pleasure to feed you bread as your body lay crumpled on the floor.
We have such a parasitic relationship. But the kind where the parasite benefits from the relationship. Like the pilot fish and a shark. The fish gets the leftover food scraps from the shark and the shark gets a free bath from it.
that's so insightful.
Let me know if you need some dick this weekend.
Between the BF being in town, partying at the Side Dick’s house tonight and two Tinder dates tomorrow I’ve got dick to spare!!
The neighborhood cougar just purred at me while I was doing yard work. I’m terrified and tumescent
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