I met a girl last nite that charged by the inch. i didnt have enough money but i figured shed be a good deal for u
don't tell her this, but while we were doing it doggy style I picked up my phone and changed my status to "who let the dogs out"
she's sitting on the other side of the room at this party. with her smirnoff tucked in that little opening between her cleavage and shirt. drinking from a straw. snapping her fingers off beat.
it's love
Dont make this weird.... I was wondering if I could paper mache a few of your dildos this weekend?
Cops are just so fun an beautifuk
I'm going to make "gut the love salmon" a common slang term for sex. Spread the word.
Hey man, sorry about punching you in the face, also about turning the shower on you. I just really wanted you to drink some water.
He could stay over, if you'd just ask.
Yeah. What am I supposed to say? "Oh, my couch is occupied, but my vagina's not"
if you fuck our toilet off the wall again, i'm going to be so mad.
So how did it go?
I'm not sure if it was all the eggnog or all the alcohol, but hosting an eggnog pong tournament was a mistake.
Just remember, the Browns have more wins than Ronda Rousey this year.
she's pretty fucking smug for someone who has had unprotected sex with a convicted felon
I just found out through a drunken phone call that my parents thought I'd grow up to be a porn star. It's kind of scary how accurate they were at how skilled I'd be at sex.
really enjoying the fact I don't remember how the staff party ended. feel like I need to shame drink today
feel at noon?
Just got high with dad
Correction: more high. He's sharing gummy bears with me.
Randomize
