Dont touch anything! You just got rid of your crabs!
people are starting to question the shark bite story
it's kinda bad that we're already planning travel arrangements to his funeral
We fucked to showtunes. Never going out with a theatre major ever again.
Tell me again why I left before the topless cake fight
Things I Learned Tonight: I have no future in goat wrangling. Herding. Whatever you call the ridiculosity that just transpired.
he told me he had a dream that he laid his head in my lap and silently gazed up at me. WHY AM I ALWAYS THE DUDE IN RELATIONSHIPS
Bourbon is too strong for my cat, he does not want to drink it
I'm sending him pics of me in my new lingerie telling him to come over and when he gets here I'll have changed into like sweats and a 5 year old shirt with ketchup stains on it
Her four year old daughter walked up to me grabbed my junk and said "this will be in mommy later." Wtf?
There is a special place in hell for people who only eat the center of the pot brownies.
I'm still questioning who dropped me off last night. So successful wedding?
sorry bout the carpet, but you DID call it "blackout punch" not "don't vom on my floor punch"
You did an excessive amount of blow and then screamed "WHO THE FUCK NEEDS A LADDER?!" And then Mario style wall-jumped onto the roof. It was one of the most impressive things I've ever seen.
She and I had some intense sexual tension earlier when she dumped a package of apple straws all over my body.
Randomize
